Independence Has Its Price

I was inspired to write by the July 4th holiday this year. We’re so quick to wish our friends a happy Independence Day each year, but do we really understand what independence means? I think I do.

It’s not often I get really, truly introspective. I mean, I think it’s safe to say that I’m “self-aware,” but I don’t consider myself the type of person who stops at every step along to way to recount what’s happened. For some reason, though, yesterday and today I felt the need to do just that—reevaluate where I am in my life and how far I’ve come.

I don’t typically broadcast intimate details of my life to everyone. Hell, “The Next Big Thing” really hasn’t been centered on my hardships or perseverance. But I thought I’d share some of what I’ve learned anyway, because I think it’s relevant in discussing independence and how costly it can be.

This year, Independence Day reminded me of my long journey to get here: my parent’s divorce at age 2, being raised by a single parent my whole life, coming out of the closet at just 14 years old, the disability of both of my parents while in high school, the financial instability that ensued, the academic success that came as a result of hard work and distraction from my personal life, putting myself through college, my mom’s death in 2005, running one of the best college publications of 2009, being selected as the standout student for UMiami’s School of Communication, moving to NYC during one of the worst recessions our country has ever seen, struggling to make it by holding two internships and a retail job, being recruited for a watershed position at a prestigious firm.

As you can see, my life has been characterized by two parallel stories—the first story of personal tragedy and heartbreak, and the second of academic and professional success.

Now, you may be saying to yourself “Wow, this kid has been through a lot and must be really messed up!” The former would be right, the latter would be wrong. Somehow, I’ve persevered through my hardships with little to no bruises—and emerged with a positive and optimistic outlook on life.

How did I accomplish this? I have no idea. My double-major in psychology wants to tell you something about resilience and how nature can overpower nurture in certain instances—or how nurture activates certain aspects of our nature and fails to activate others. Honestly, that’s psycho-babble bullshit.

At the end of the day, I’ve always maintained that happiness and success are a matter of choice. I choose to be happy and I’ve chosen—and will continue to choose—to be successful. I’m not saying they are easy choices to make—they are not. But they are there to be made, nonetheless.

Being independent has its price, though. Lately, I’ve felt the weight of debt from putting myself through school and loneliness from lack of personal time and romantic attention. I’ve also just felt “lost” in general, like I don’t know what the next step in my life is going to be—or how to get there.

These are the costs of independence: uncertainty and fear. But they must be dealt with. And so I’m going on record here to say that I promise myself that I will do whatever it takes to maintain my independence and that no matter how hard the choice to be happy and successful may be, I will make it.

Part of that promise involves learning how to say “no.”

Earlier, I tweeted, “I've forgotten how to say no—to myself and to others. That changes starting today.” And I mean it. “No” is an extremely powerful word—and a lot of times it’s equally as difficult to say to oneself as it is to others. But it’s necessary. My second promise to myself is to say “no” as often as I can. If it’s not in my best interest—financial, social or otherwise—the answer is “no.” And those who respect that answer will stay in my life—those who don’t, won’t.

It’s as simple as that.

Independence is not easy—the fourth of July reminded me of that this year. But I’ll be damned if it’s not worth every hurdle, obstacle and roadblock. You owe it to yourself to believe the same.

Because if you don’t pay the price for your own freedom, then who will?

[Image via quick5pnt0 on Flickr]

Those Other Three Little Words

Today’s post is not about any one discrete event, person or situation—but rather a phenomenon I’ve noticed for a while but have been unable to articulate. And I’ve been itching to write another blog on relationships since the last one was so well-received…

You see, there are very few absolutes in life—and little, if any of them, apply to relationships. However, in my opinion, it’s time for people to stop being so damn fake.

Fake?! Yes, fake.

Oh, yes, I just went there. Honestly, it’s not meant as an attack on anyone—this is more about a cultural and societal issue of not being upfront with others. And it happens so often in dating and relationships that we must call ourselves out and stop this nonsense.

So, how do we do that? Well, it’s easy! You see, we all need to learn those other three words that are so vital to being honest with others—and ourselves. We all need to learn how to say, “I’m not interested.”

Oh, boy: the age-old question of, “Does (s)he like me?” It’s a toughie. And there’s never a 100%-assured answer. Oh, unrequited love, how you torture us!

But, to be honest, things would be a lot easier—and we could all live much more fulfilling and transparent lives—if everyone could just be, well, more honest.

I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard that go like this: X meets Y. X and Y go on a date. X likes Y, but is unsure if Y likes X in return. X and Y hang out several more times and everything seems to be going great. Then, Y disappears or becomes some other form of “shady.” Well, what the hell happened? Did Z get jealous of the alphabet action and decide to jump in? (Ha!) But, for real, this is a scenario that happens all the time. I like to call it “being phased-out.”

It really makes sense if you think about it. Something had to happen with Y to all of a sudden become disinterested or unavailable. And it’s not necessarily important what happened; however, it is critical that all of us Y’s out there learn how to communicate with the X’s (no pun intended) and tell them “I’m not interested.” Conversely, all of us X’s must learn to adapt to the situation and not over-react too early on in the game, or be clingy.

Because nothing is more unattractive than desperation.

At the same time, though, we all deserve a little clarity—some reassurance that our investment into the connection is a worthwhile one. This is where the honesty comes into play. Guys and girls out there: learn how to be more in touch with your emotions and communicate them with others. Life is too short to play games or get hung up about letting someone down or being let down.

And all of us Y’s out there need to learn to stop letting the X’s down easy. What’s the purpose? Us X’s don’t want to hear any of the following:

1. “You’re a great person, but…”
2. “It’s me, it’s not you.”
3. “I still want to be friends.”
4. “I don’t deserve you.”
5. “One day you’ll find someone who will love you like you deserve.”

Hey, Y’s: you don’t mean these things when you say them, so why do you even bother? You’re not helping out the X’s by letting them down easy. Actually, you may not realize it but you’re making it more confusing for the X’s because you’re not being honest. Muster up some courage and self-respect and start admitting how you really feel:

1. “You aren’t the right person for me.”
2. “It’s definitely you and not me.”
3. “The connection just isn’t there.”
4. “I don’t think you deserve to be with me. (Duh, I’m dumping you!)”
5. “Good luck! I’ve got another date after this awkward breakup.”

Because you’re not doing anyone any good by being fake. And we’re all guilty of it. We’ve all been an X and we’ve all been a Y. If you’re an X more often than a Y, try seeing the situation from the latter’s perspective—if the opposite is true, then vice versa. Hopefully, then, once we see that we’ve all been there, we can be honest enough with ourselves to fully open up to others.

So, learn those other three words—and prevent yourself from saying those cliché lines that are so transparent. Why “phase someone out” when you can cut them out? You don’t really want to be friends anyway! Isn’t it about time you start telling people that? Hell, if GaGa can admit it, can’t you?

4 Ways to Land Your Dream Job

I have a dream job, I really do. Who would’ve imagined that an obsession with social media—Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Foursquare, etc.—could lead to a career? It’s amazing. And I wouldn’t trade it in for anything.

But things weren’t always this rosy.

Unfortunately for me, I graduated during one of the worst economic periods in our country’s history. It took nine months and a lot of sacrifice to reach where I am, and I learned a lot along the way.

Here are some general lessons that will help guide you along the journey to landing your dream job.

Do what you love.
What are you good at? Seriously, what can you spend hours doing without ever realizing it? There’s got to be something that you enjoy more than anything else. Find it and focus on it. At the end of the day, your happiness is what matters most. The only way to reach that happiness is to take what you love and turn it into a career. Your parents may want to kill you—and will probably give you lectures about medical benefits and saving for retirement—but throw caution to the wind and go for it, even if you have to be a “starving artist” for a while.

Specialize in something – but be good at everything.
Find your niche. If you’re interested in graphic design, which type? Do you enjoy publication design? Branding? Illustration? Pattern making? If you want to be a photographer, what type? Do you like runway photography? Catalogue shoots? Prop styling?

At the same time, though, you need to be a chameleon. Your boss would love nothing more than to hear, “I can do that, too!” Always remember to stay true to your personality and brand, but know when to adapt. Your style comes second to what your client wants or boss demands.

Networking is not about first-degree connections.
Think of your network as a web: you’re at the center and your immediate connections surround you. You can try all you want to get a job or internship through those first-degree connections, but chances are that they have the same connections as you! The further removed a connection is, the wider “net” you can cast in your search. It’s not about whom you know—it’s about whom those key second, third and even fourth-degree connections know. Most likely, their connections won’t be in your network—and that’s a good thing! Nurture these relationships and be ready to tell them all about what you specialize in and what you have to offer.

Have a destination in mind.
Where do you want to be in a year? How about five years? Where do you want to end up? These are questions you must ask yourself in order to guide your journey to your dream job. Without a final destination—a goal—you’re blind and powerless. Would you travel cross-country without a destination address? Exactly. Have a plan—it’s okay to stray from it as long as you know you can still get to where you want to go.

These are extremely simple, I know. But it’s the simple things in life we forget.

Have any other time-tested truths to landing a dream job? Share them in the comments! Then send this to a friend. Good advice never gets old (hey, I can toot my own horn a little bit, right?).

Photo via Veronica Sharon. (She's my roommate and an awesome photog, check her out!)

Take Time For Yourself

After a busy day at work—and a fun, yet not-so-restful weekend—it was nice to come home tonight and do nothing. Literally nothing—I just ate and watched TV.

I know you’ve come to expect long, detailed and essay-like blogs from me, but I’m not so long-winded all of the time. Tonight’s message is simple:

Love yourself first. Take time out for yourself that you can call your own. Don’t feel pressured to live a fast-paced lifestyle all of the time. It’s okay to turn your phone off for a night and just think.

Stop to enjoy life in its simplicity—happiness doesn’t require a whole lot; it truly is the little things that matter.

Are you paying enough attention to them—to yourself? Do it! It makes everything else so much more worthwhile.

No Matter What, Be Yourself

Who are you? No, really, who are you?

Are you shy or outgoing? Independent or needy? Neurotic or laid-back? Assertive or passive?

What it all boils down to is: how well do you really know yourself? The only way to gauge your own character is through failures and successes – experiences that shape who we are as individuals, which inevitably takes a considerable amount of time and a whole hell-of-a lot of trial and error.

It’s never easy – but it is always rewarding.

I’m far from perfect. Sometimes, I just don’t know when to stop talking or how to not wear my heart on my sleeve. I tend to push the limits – to put it all out there without always fully thinking through the consequences of my speech or actions. But that’s just me, and it’s taken me quite a long time to realize who I am as a person and how I tick. Without testing my boundaries, how would I know my comfort zones?

But through it all – ups and downs, highs and lows, bitches and hoes – one lesson reigns true: if someone isn’t willing to accept you for who you really are, they aren’t worth your time.

It’s that old Dr. Seuss saying all over again. You know the one: “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

If you know me in “real life,” you know that I’m bubbly, witty and goofy – I’m always going up to random strangers and asking them intimate questions. Sometimes there’s alcohol involved and other times just water – but nonetheless, I’ve always had an innate passion for getting to know someone on a deep level. At the same time, though, I’ve learned how to self-disclose and remain “cool” simultaneously.

The entire process is usually exciting and thrilling and fun. And then there are the times where I meet someone and they turn out to be completely different than I thought. And it sucks.

Maybe it’s me getting ahead of myself or making myself too available, but more often than not, this happens with guys from clubs. I know, I know – how cliché, right? I meet a guy, “click” with him and all signals lead to “optimistic.” And then I find out who he really is – Douche-y McDoucherson. It’s only downhill from there.

I’ve deleted so many numbers, told so many guys where they can shove it – and for what? Self-preservation. Because, at the end of the day, I know who I am; I know what I want and I know exactly how to get it. The truth is: I always have!

It’s an amazing feeling to finally be totally comfortable in my own skin – regardless of my daily mood or appearance. I have “ugly” days too – but all the while I still know that I’m attractive inside and out and that I am a good “catch.”

When the right guy comes along who can trust, support and love me for being me –not who he wants me to become, but who I truly am – my life will be complete.

Don’t get the wrong impression, though. I’ve been single for four years, but I’m in no rush to devote myself to a guy who’s not entirely worth my time and energy. My cardinal rule is to never settle and I don’t intend on going back on that now.

The only way to move is forward along my journey in life, wishing and hoping that the right guy will come along (if he exists).

But if he doesn’t, at least I’m content with myself and confident enough to know that I’ll feel more fulfilled as an accomplished single man than as a used, jaded, broken-hearted, relationship-plagued attached one.

I’m not apologetic for who I am – and you shouldn’t be, either. Because if you aren’t yourself 100% of the time, then who are you?