The Perfect Guy Doesn't Exist

“What makes for a better relationship: Passion or dedication?”

Without a doubt—passion, I thought as I filled out my OkCupid profile. Two years later, I’m still pondering that question.

See, I’ve always felt that when I met the right guy, there’d be that spark, that passion, that feeling that I’d known him all my life.

But that was two years ago.

I’ve gone on literally dozens of dates since I moved to New York City in August of 2009. Some guys just weren’t a good fit for me. Other guys were losers, and I became frustrated. Still others were those rare gems among a pile of rocks and my insecurities got the best of me.

And now I’ve come full circle. It’s been a journey—a long and tiresome (and, at times, emotional), yet highly-rewarding one. At the beginning, I thought I knew myself entirely—that I was ready to cast my net and find the funniest, smartest, hunkiest fish in the proverbial gay “sea.” But I was looking in all the wrong places and asking all the wrong questions and was painfully wrong about myself and where I was in my life.

I was searching for an ideal—the perfect guy with the brains, the brawn and the business acumen that I so valued in myself. But the perfect guy doesn’t exist.

I repeat: The perfect guy does not exist.

I’m glad I know that now.

I’ve passed on serious relationship opportunities in the hopes that if I held out, I would find something better. But it never came. And now I’m right back where I started, though a whole heap wiser.

Maybe dating isn’t so much about it “working out” (what does that mean, anyway?!) as it is learning about ourselves and pushing buttons and having our buttons pushed in return. Because, let’s face it: There are things you don’t know about yourself that you discover through the dating process. “Is it really vital that he was captain of the soccer team in high school?” and “Does he really need to have the body of a Greek God?” and “Is it necessary for him to enjoy sexting as much as I?” I can now proudly say that I know the answers to these—and many other—life-altering questions.

“Passion or dedication?” is a question on an entirely different level, though. It’s altruistic, it’s complex—it says something more about the person who answers it.

And I don’t really think there’s a definite—or right—answer. I think it’s a trick question.

Because the truth is that relationships need passion AND dedication in order to survive; lust (passion) and love (dedication) are both essential for a honest-to-God, stable relationship to develop and endure. I was only looking for the former, and thus I came up empty-handed. (Aw, shucks!)

I’m not saying that I’m disappointed—on the contrary, I’m relieved. I’m also not saying that I’m still looking, because good grief, I am exhausted with dating! But—and this is a big but—at least in the future my fishing net won’t have a hole in it.

Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.

Never Say You Can't

I know it’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I’ve been waiting for the right moment—and then I heard the Bruno Mars song “Never Say U Can’t” and I was inspired to write.

It’s such a beautiful song about living and learning—about triumph, perseverance and support. And I think there’s a lot to learn from it.

We live in tough times. There are a lot of people out there who are struggling to get by—who knows, maybe you’re one of them. The song is an important reminder that no matter how dark and dreary life may seem, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel—things always get better.

If you always believe “Yes, I can,” then there is no stopping you. As soon as we say the words, “I can’t,” we cast a shadow of doubt on ourselves and become defeated—we become victims. The last time I checked, victims don’t win—they don’t get up and fight to survive.

My good friend Nick Maslow told me once, “Stop being a victim and become a victor.” Those words have stuck with me for years—they’ve given me power and strength even in the toughest of situations.

Again, this is about perspective—being a victor is a choice. Sometimes it’s a choice that requires much sacrifice, but it’s still a choice nonetheless.

And you’re never alone. For every person who loves you and cares deeply for you, there are a dozen others who just haven’t said it. Make sure the people for whom you care know it. At the very least, you’ll brighten his or her day—at the most, you could save someone’s life.

Conversely, if you’re enduring a hard time, reach out to someone—anyone. People are a lot more understanding than you may think. Sometimes we all need someone to just say, “It’s all going to be okay.” In the darkest moments there is always hope.

I can’t help but think of the recent string of suicides among gay youth. It’s so sad. It’s a poignant reminder that life is fragile—we can’t take one second for granted. We get so caught up in the day-to-day frustrations that we forget that it could all fall apart in just a second. Bills, groceries, emails, laundry… they are mundane and sometimes stressful. But what would the sweet be without the sour?

Mother Theresa said, "Life is a challenge, meet it." I challenge you to be a victor and not a victim. Laugh at life’s absurdities. Appreciate the highs and lows—we are better people for having endured both.

[Photo via heylauren’s tumblr]

Missed Steps, Not Missteps

I’m an acrophobe—I despise heights and everything associated with them. I can never go near the edge at rooftop parties in Manhattan because I’m afraid that I’ll fall.

But, in addition to my degree in Advertising, I also have a degree in Psychology. So, I understand that this fear is irrational and can talk myself through the process of breathing and taking a few sips of Bacardi to compensate.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t always work that way. Things happen—life happens—and we can’t predict them—or it. Sometimes we let ourselves fall, but most of the time we fall without ever realizing.

This weekend reminded me of that.

While leaving a party with a friend, he tripped and flew down half of a flight of steps and ended up in the hospital. One missed step—a simple mistake that anyone can make—and now he is left with a jaw that’s broken in three places and no front teeth.

I was shocked and shaken, trying to maintain my composure on the phone with the 911 operator while the blood gushed from his mouth at an ungodly rate.

He’s lucky to be alive. Concrete is not forgiving—and his wounds certainly show that fact. But he’s going to be okay nonetheless; he survived his fall.

I want to make several points here:
• Life can change at the drop of a dime; don’t take anything for granted
• Slow down and be grateful to just be alive
• Never skip a chance to tell someone that you love them
• Don’t sweat the small stuff—and it’s all small stuff
• We fall when we least expect it, but it’s our friends and family who pick us up and bring us back to homeostasis—to normalcy

We can defend against falling in a physical sense—but not in a metaphorical one. Life is full of lots of tripping, stumbling and falling. Some of the falls are drastic, massive and life-altering while others are small, simple and silly. But no matter the size of the fall, the outcome is what’s most important. We have to learn from our failures—our falls.

I know he did. And I did too. Sometimes we need to be shocked to be reminded of what’s most important—not money or time, but experiences, memories, feelings and the learnings that come with them.

Do you know someone who’s fallen recently? Were you there for them? Perhaps you were the one who fell—were there others who were there for you? These are the types of life experiences that show us who truly cares—who our true friends are. I had lost sight of that fact because I had become complacent… distracted… easily accepting.

The truth is: we will never be able to predict our falls. What we can control is how we get back up—how much stronger we return from our embarrassment, shame, heartbreak and other missed steps (NOT missteps—we must look at these as learning opportunities and nothing more or less).

As Aaliyah said, “If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again.” Amen to that, sistah!

Keep falling and getting back up. You’re not alone.

["The Edge And I Are Close Friends" photo via Tayrawr Fortune on Flickr]

It's All A Matter of Perspective

I have a theory—and it’s really simple: no matter what the situation is, you can come out on top if you simply evaluate it in the right way. Now, you may be thinking, “That’s so esoteric, how can you make that tangible?” But just hear me out.

I’ve said it before, but I’m repeating it here: life is a series of choices. How you make those choices is up to you. But, what I’m offering you in this blog post is a new lease on life.

At the end of the day, it’s all a matter of perspective.

All of it? Every last bit of it.

Any sports fanatic knows that 90% of any match is mental, not physical. That means having the right strategy, the right game plan—the right perspective.

But what exactly does that mean? Perspective is defined as: “[The] choice of a context or a reference (or the result of this choice) from which to sense, categorize, measure or codify experience, cohesively forming a coherent belief, typically for comparing with another.”

Huh?! It’s how you look at the world—and what you choose to compare it to; in essence, your experiences and previous choices determine how you interpret future events and circumstances.

But lately I’ve heard so many people whine and complain about a variety of different life circumstances. I’m here to give them an important message: wake up! Life doesn’t always happen the way you predicted it would. Sometimes, you just have to learn to work through it and have faith—and change it instead of accepting the status quo.

So, look at every problem—every challenge—as an opportunity instead of a setback. Don’t give up; don’t count yourself out too soon. Half the battle is believing, “Yes I can.”

Not to mention, perspective plays a huge role in building resilience. Of the 10 ways The American Psychological Association lists to build resistance, many of them have to do with using your perspective to approach life in a positive, can-do way.

Here are the 10 ways for your reference:
1. Maintain good relationships with close family members, friends and others;
2. Avoid seeing crises or stressful events as unbearable problems;
3. Accept circumstances that cannot be changed;
4. Develop realistic goals and move towards them;
5. Take decisive actions in adverse situations;
6. Look for opportunities of self-discovery after a struggle with loss;
7. Develop self-confidence;
8. Keep a long-term perspective and consider the stressful event in a broader context;
9. Maintain a hopeful outlook, expecting good things and visualizing what is wished;
10. Take care of one's mind and body, exercising regularly, paying attention to one's own needs and feelings and engaging in relaxing activities that one enjoys.

So, take your life into your own hands. Wake up every day ready to seize the moment. Open up to new possibilities. Welcome challenges as a way to grow and learn.

Because even in a torrential downpour, if you think it’s sunny, it really is.

Less Talking, More Walking

We’ve all heard the phrase before. You know, the whole, “You can talk the talk, but you can’t walk the walk” bit. But most of the time we hear it in a joking, flirty manner. Tonight, I challenge you to think differently.

You see, we’re all guilty of it: committing to something and then failing to follow the commitment through to completion. But, think about it long and hard: life isn’t characterized by how many times we said we were going to do something—it’s made up of how many times we followed through.

Because, at the end of the day, our actions speak louder than our words. Nobody likes someone who says one thing and does another. It’s the doing that matters; consistency is king.

As of late, I’ve noticed so many complainers. Hell, I’ve probably been one of them And I’m tired of it. My friend Sarah even noticed it in herself.

But as long as we can spot it, we can change it. In doing so, I’m making more commitments to myself. For example, today I tweeted: “I promise that I will not settle for mediocrity in any aspect of my life. I deserve the best.” We all do. Obviously “the best” is completely relative and subjective—but figure out what that means to you.

Because you need to be doing your best to deserve the best in return. It’s personal karma. It’s healthy. It’s cyclical. It’s just the way that life works.

This may all seem extremely lofty or out-of-touch, but it’s so damn true. We all become complacent and comfortable—or perhaps too busy for our own good—far too easily. It’s important to stay focused on the walking as opposed to the talking.

Personally, I’m finding it helpful to make more lists and to plan better. Organization is the key to any well-oiled machine, and so I’ve devised a plan to get my credit card paid off and get caught up with my student loan payments. I’ve made lists of items I need to purchase and have planned when I will be able to afford them. I’ve also made more general rules like, “less drinks, more books” and “bigger lunches, smaller dinners” in an effort to be healthier and diversify what I do in my spare time.

Honestly, I’m tired of saying “Oh, I think I’m gonna rest up this weekend, maybe go to the park or a museum—perhaps finally explore Brooklyn or go to Fire Island for the first time.” And then never following through. I get pissed at myself because I always go to the same clubs, drink the same expensive drinks that I shouldn’t buy, waste my days away recovering from the nights prior. It’s such an exhausting routine. I’m putting myself through my own version of rehab and forcing myself to stay in and watch movies, catch up on TV shows and live within my means.

A few days ago, I looked at my list of New Year’s Resolutions from early January. I’ve accomplished none of my goals. None of them. How’s that for following through? Yeah, extremely poor. Talk about a personal fail!

So I’m holding myself more accountable—mentally, professionally, financially. It’s time for some forced personal growth. It’s time to branch out. It’s time to start doing.

But it all starts with saying it (hence, this post) and recognizing that the choice is there to be made.

I’m duct-taping my Nike’s to my feet. They’re gonna be getting a lot of mileage here soon.

Independence Has Its Price

I was inspired to write by the July 4th holiday this year. We’re so quick to wish our friends a happy Independence Day each year, but do we really understand what independence means? I think I do.

It’s not often I get really, truly introspective. I mean, I think it’s safe to say that I’m “self-aware,” but I don’t consider myself the type of person who stops at every step along to way to recount what’s happened. For some reason, though, yesterday and today I felt the need to do just that—reevaluate where I am in my life and how far I’ve come.

I don’t typically broadcast intimate details of my life to everyone. Hell, “The Next Big Thing” really hasn’t been centered on my hardships or perseverance. But I thought I’d share some of what I’ve learned anyway, because I think it’s relevant in discussing independence and how costly it can be.

This year, Independence Day reminded me of my long journey to get here: my parent’s divorce at age 2, being raised by a single parent my whole life, coming out of the closet at just 14 years old, the disability of both of my parents while in high school, the financial instability that ensued, the academic success that came as a result of hard work and distraction from my personal life, putting myself through college, my mom’s death in 2005, running one of the best college publications of 2009, being selected as the standout student for UMiami’s School of Communication, moving to NYC during one of the worst recessions our country has ever seen, struggling to make it by holding two internships and a retail job, being recruited for a watershed position at a prestigious firm.

As you can see, my life has been characterized by two parallel stories—the first story of personal tragedy and heartbreak, and the second of academic and professional success.

Now, you may be saying to yourself “Wow, this kid has been through a lot and must be really messed up!” The former would be right, the latter would be wrong. Somehow, I’ve persevered through my hardships with little to no bruises—and emerged with a positive and optimistic outlook on life.

How did I accomplish this? I have no idea. My double-major in psychology wants to tell you something about resilience and how nature can overpower nurture in certain instances—or how nurture activates certain aspects of our nature and fails to activate others. Honestly, that’s psycho-babble bullshit.

At the end of the day, I’ve always maintained that happiness and success are a matter of choice. I choose to be happy and I’ve chosen—and will continue to choose—to be successful. I’m not saying they are easy choices to make—they are not. But they are there to be made, nonetheless.

Being independent has its price, though. Lately, I’ve felt the weight of debt from putting myself through school and loneliness from lack of personal time and romantic attention. I’ve also just felt “lost” in general, like I don’t know what the next step in my life is going to be—or how to get there.

These are the costs of independence: uncertainty and fear. But they must be dealt with. And so I’m going on record here to say that I promise myself that I will do whatever it takes to maintain my independence and that no matter how hard the choice to be happy and successful may be, I will make it.

Part of that promise involves learning how to say “no.”

Earlier, I tweeted, “I've forgotten how to say no—to myself and to others. That changes starting today.” And I mean it. “No” is an extremely powerful word—and a lot of times it’s equally as difficult to say to oneself as it is to others. But it’s necessary. My second promise to myself is to say “no” as often as I can. If it’s not in my best interest—financial, social or otherwise—the answer is “no.” And those who respect that answer will stay in my life—those who don’t, won’t.

It’s as simple as that.

Independence is not easy—the fourth of July reminded me of that this year. But I’ll be damned if it’s not worth every hurdle, obstacle and roadblock. You owe it to yourself to believe the same.

Because if you don’t pay the price for your own freedom, then who will?

[Image via quick5pnt0 on Flickr]

My Seven Musings on Social Media

Despite the fact that I’m technically a social media “professional,” I highly dislike it when people refer to me as a “guru” or “expert.” How is it possible for anyone to be an “expert” in a field still in its infancy? Hell, we’ve all been using social media—the same social networking sites—for the same amount of time. On the other hand, though, there are those who “get” social media and those who don’t. I believe that there are plenty of insightful minds that have a unique perspective to offer regarding the social media space—and I include myself as one of them. But I will always correct someone who refers to me as an authority in the digital space because I still learn something new every day. Here are just some of my recent musings in regards to the social media movement:

1. Social media is not your savior.
Social media is a tool—a platform—to connect with others like never before. Too many people out there think of social media as an end rather than a means to reach an end. The truth is: social media by itself isn’t going to save anyone—it’s how the medium is used that has brought so many personal and professional brands success and direct access to their enthusiasts. Just remember: simply being involved in social media is not good enough—doing something with that presence and maintaining a strategy that allows you to be original and fun is what will take your brand to the next level. And even beyond that, unless your brand is consistent and delivers a quality product or service, social media—no matter how it is used—will not hide your flaws.

2. Participate for yourself first.
In this case, it’s okay to be selfish. Social media, while inherently about conversations and connections, must add value and utility to your life, or brand, in order for it to be worthwhile. Thus, you must receive some added benefit from your participation or else there’s simply no point. While building your brand in the social space and engaging with others, don’t lose sight of why you’re there—to express your thoughts and ideas. Connecting with others is just a part of the process. “News” is no longer simply about political unrest, natural disasters or economic uncertainty—our lives revolve around the social “news” of our friends and various circles of social influence. At the center of all those circles, though, is the self. Remember that.

3. Be a persona.
Take the mundane and make it your own. Chop it up, mix it in your mind and serve it to others in a fun and creative manner. The brands that succeed best in the social space are those who personify their name and who demonstrate understanding of pop culture and “hip” trends. Be yourself but put yourself out there and kick your personality into high gear. This, of course, doesn’t work for everyone. But, from my experience, establishing your niche and being creative are never hurtful in establishing a connection with others and leaving a memorable brand impression as well.

4. Social media is not your megaphone.
My biggest problem with some people in social media—and especially on Twitter—are those individuals and companies who utilize the platform not for engagement or adding value to the lives of followers, but rather as a megaphone for their agenda. I’m sorry, but that’s not what social media is all about. Just like any other marketing medium—know your audience and cater your messages to them. At the same time, know your brand and stay true to it. Never, ever ask your followers to re-tweet what you share. That’s just absurd. As my good friend Amanda says: “I realize that I have that option, thanks.”

5. Always question the obvious.
This point isn’t necessarily particular to social media, but it’s still extremely relevant. Why? Because there’s a lot of hype and exaggeration in social media. Take everything with a grain of salt and reckon it with what you already know. Be skeptical of “news,” question sources and always dig for your own truth. Learn how to cut through all of the junk and get to the valuable grains of information and entertainment that you seek.

6. Be honest, open and vulnerable.
One of the aspects I love most about social media is its candidness—the requirement of disclosure and openness. People know that nobody is perfect. In the social space it’s vital to show your imperfections and connect with others who are enduring the same hardships—or successes—as you. Because the truth is: when you open yourself up to others, they’ll open up to you. And that’s what being social is all about. (P.S. No “corporate speak" allowed!)

7. If you think you shouldn’t post it, do it anyway.
Don’t hold back, dive in headfirst and take chances. Laugh, cry and over-share. Be witty and original. Bottom line: don’t question yourself. People will understand your brand more if you say what’s on your mind. Granted, there are some topics and posts that are not appropriate for social media—think racism, stereotyping and other offensive content. But the overall point is to interact with others who either agree or disagree with your views. This sharing process allows us to learn and connect with our peers.

What are your thoughts on social media? Would you add to or take away from anything on this list? Why or why not?

Speak up—tell me what you think!