Happily Ever After?

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“Do you believe in Happily Ever After?” I asked Naomi. In between laughs, she yelled an emphatic, “No!” Then she added, “Well, I mean, it’s just not that simple.”

Naomi is the sex and relationship columnist for Men’s Health magazine, where I work. She’s also been in a relationship with a great guy for about six years now. So, she’s basically a dating expert—and, by this point, a pretty pragmatic one. Still, part of me wished that she would gush about dreams of Happily Ever After that she developed while watching Disney movies growing up—that she would admit that, deep down, she had once hoped for her own Happily Ever After, then found it.

Hope. That’s really what Happily Ever After is all about, isn’t it? It’s the faith that we were meant to end up happy, united with our one true love. It’s a glittering generality that dominates romance novels and Hollywood films—and sometimes both (Nicholas Sparks, I’m lookin’ at you!).

But I wondered: is it realistic?

I got to thinking about the best first date I ever had. After a few weeks of chatting online, a guy invited me over for drinks on his roof. With amazing views of Manhattan as our backdrop, we sipped wine and watched the sunset. It was simple. It was romantic. It was captivating. As dusk turned into twilight, the conversation flowed with the cocktails, and before I knew it, we fell asleep in each other’s arms while watching a movie.

That experience ran its course, but I can’t help but recall my feelings of energetic optimism and blind infatuation when I arrived home the next day. We’ve all been there, of course—in the throws of a consuming crush, unable to detain our desires and let the proverbial chips fall as they may. But it’s that type of passion that reminds me of why I hope for my own Happily Ever After.

As a child, it’s difficult to comprehend those types of feelings. I never understood enough about trust and commitment—or anything about “until death do us part.” It’s too detailed for a developing mind to fully grasp. But Happily Ever After is not; it’s basic and believable instead of complex and confusing. Again, it’s a glittering generality—and necessarily so.

As an adult, I now see the whole picture. I can imagine the first kiss, the first uttering of “I love you”, the first moving truck, the ring. It’s not a glittering generality, it’s a joyous journey marked by ups and downs, twists and turns. We seem to outgrow the simplicity of the idea of Happily Ever After.

Or do we?

In an extremely unscientific Twitter poll, I asked my followers if they believed in Happily Ever After—and the reasoning for their proclamations. Here are the three responses I received:

@crackliffe duh. That's how every Disney movie ends. Xo
— Morgan Schreiber (@Morgs120) May 9, 2012

@crackliffe as a cynical teenager full of sarcasm and derogatory remarks, a part of me hopes that something will prove my pessimism wrong
— Brian Ng (@aspiringboy) May 9, 2012

@crackliffe YES! Love is the most powerful thing on earth, all you need is to believe and you will get your happily ever after.
— KHYREN (@NERYHK) May 9, 2012

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That’s right. All of them believe in Happily Ever After, even though one of them blatantly admits to being a sarcastic cynic.

After reading their responses and pondering Happily Ever After some more, I inevitably ended up thinking about passion versus dedication in relationships. To me, it seemed like the Disney movies were imparting the importance of passion in romance through their elaborate and exaggerated storylines, but were somehow de-emphasizing the significance of dedication by simply ending the story with “And they lived Happily Ever After.” All of the grittiness of real relationships is removed from the plot, thus leaving the audience—mostly children, mind you—with half of the picture of what real romance requires.

In another thoroughly unscientific Twitter poll, I asked my followers which option they thought made for a better relationship: an intense connection from the very beginning or a passion that builds over time. Here’s what they said:

@crackliffe An intense 1st connection that builds more and more throughout your relationship.Luckily I'm experiencing this now.:)
— Josh Garcia (@thejoshhhh) May 9, 2012

@crackliffe Passion that builds! Connections that start quickly & intensely generally end as quickly & intensely. A slow simmer is best.
— Ashley Mayo (@AshleyKMayo) May 9, 2012

@crackliffe Passion that builds, b/c it's sustainable. All long term relationships I've had started with me having NO interest in the guy
— Lala Jackson (@WhoMadeYouGreat) May 9, 2012

@crackliffe Both is best, and definitely possible and most electric.
— Jake G. (@everythingsjake) May 9, 2012

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As you can see, the responses are overwhelmingly in favor of both an intense passion and one that builds over time—or what I’ll refer to as “the whole picture.” Disney films, on the other hand, only focus on the first half of “the whole picture”—on the intense initial passion that the characters experience. Aladdin’s on a mission to woo Jasmine, Ariel’s got to become human so she can be with Eric; it makes for great cinema, but once the theater lights come on—POOF!—there it goes. The only classic Disney film that comes remotely close to portraying the tension and trust of a real relationship is Beauty and the Beast. And, well, the leading male is a beast.

Regardless of the cast of the caricatures, the fact remains that even though people admit that both initial passion and sustained dedication are required for a real relationship, most people still pray, wish and hope for their own Happily Ever After to come to fruition. It’s that seed of hope that helps us get back on our feet after an unexpected rejection, unrequited love or unsuccessful relationship. And hope is an extremely powerful force. It can help us excel. It can even save us from death. Hope propels us forward regardless of what is rational or what reality dictates.

And so Happily Ever After, despite its incomplete depiction of love and long-term commitment, lives on. I guess Naomi was right. We can’t simply disqualify Happily Ever After—it’s just not that simple.

It's All A Matter of Perspective

I have a theory—and it’s really simple: no matter what the situation is, you can come out on top if you simply evaluate it in the right way. Now, you may be thinking, “That’s so esoteric, how can you make that tangible?” But just hear me out.

I’ve said it before, but I’m repeating it here: life is a series of choices. How you make those choices is up to you. But, what I’m offering you in this blog post is a new lease on life.

At the end of the day, it’s all a matter of perspective.

All of it? Every last bit of it.

Any sports fanatic knows that 90% of any match is mental, not physical. That means having the right strategy, the right game plan—the right perspective.

But what exactly does that mean? Perspective is defined as: “[The] choice of a context or a reference (or the result of this choice) from which to sense, categorize, measure or codify experience, cohesively forming a coherent belief, typically for comparing with another.”

Huh?! It’s how you look at the world—and what you choose to compare it to; in essence, your experiences and previous choices determine how you interpret future events and circumstances.

But lately I’ve heard so many people whine and complain about a variety of different life circumstances. I’m here to give them an important message: wake up! Life doesn’t always happen the way you predicted it would. Sometimes, you just have to learn to work through it and have faith—and change it instead of accepting the status quo.

So, look at every problem—every challenge—as an opportunity instead of a setback. Don’t give up; don’t count yourself out too soon. Half the battle is believing, “Yes I can.”

Not to mention, perspective plays a huge role in building resilience. Of the 10 ways The American Psychological Association lists to build resistance, many of them have to do with using your perspective to approach life in a positive, can-do way.

Here are the 10 ways for your reference:
1. Maintain good relationships with close family members, friends and others;
2. Avoid seeing crises or stressful events as unbearable problems;
3. Accept circumstances that cannot be changed;
4. Develop realistic goals and move towards them;
5. Take decisive actions in adverse situations;
6. Look for opportunities of self-discovery after a struggle with loss;
7. Develop self-confidence;
8. Keep a long-term perspective and consider the stressful event in a broader context;
9. Maintain a hopeful outlook, expecting good things and visualizing what is wished;
10. Take care of one's mind and body, exercising regularly, paying attention to one's own needs and feelings and engaging in relaxing activities that one enjoys.

So, take your life into your own hands. Wake up every day ready to seize the moment. Open up to new possibilities. Welcome challenges as a way to grow and learn.

Because even in a torrential downpour, if you think it’s sunny, it really is.

Independence Has Its Price

I was inspired to write by the July 4th holiday this year. We’re so quick to wish our friends a happy Independence Day each year, but do we really understand what independence means? I think I do.

It’s not often I get really, truly introspective. I mean, I think it’s safe to say that I’m “self-aware,” but I don’t consider myself the type of person who stops at every step along to way to recount what’s happened. For some reason, though, yesterday and today I felt the need to do just that—reevaluate where I am in my life and how far I’ve come.

I don’t typically broadcast intimate details of my life to everyone. Hell, “The Next Big Thing” really hasn’t been centered on my hardships or perseverance. But I thought I’d share some of what I’ve learned anyway, because I think it’s relevant in discussing independence and how costly it can be.

This year, Independence Day reminded me of my long journey to get here: my parent’s divorce at age 2, being raised by a single parent my whole life, coming out of the closet at just 14 years old, the disability of both of my parents while in high school, the financial instability that ensued, the academic success that came as a result of hard work and distraction from my personal life, putting myself through college, my mom’s death in 2005, running one of the best college publications of 2009, being selected as the standout student for UMiami’s School of Communication, moving to NYC during one of the worst recessions our country has ever seen, struggling to make it by holding two internships and a retail job, being recruited for a watershed position at a prestigious firm.

As you can see, my life has been characterized by two parallel stories—the first story of personal tragedy and heartbreak, and the second of academic and professional success.

Now, you may be saying to yourself “Wow, this kid has been through a lot and must be really messed up!” The former would be right, the latter would be wrong. Somehow, I’ve persevered through my hardships with little to no bruises—and emerged with a positive and optimistic outlook on life.

How did I accomplish this? I have no idea. My double-major in psychology wants to tell you something about resilience and how nature can overpower nurture in certain instances—or how nurture activates certain aspects of our nature and fails to activate others. Honestly, that’s psycho-babble bullshit.

At the end of the day, I’ve always maintained that happiness and success are a matter of choice. I choose to be happy and I’ve chosen—and will continue to choose—to be successful. I’m not saying they are easy choices to make—they are not. But they are there to be made, nonetheless.

Being independent has its price, though. Lately, I’ve felt the weight of debt from putting myself through school and loneliness from lack of personal time and romantic attention. I’ve also just felt “lost” in general, like I don’t know what the next step in my life is going to be—or how to get there.

These are the costs of independence: uncertainty and fear. But they must be dealt with. And so I’m going on record here to say that I promise myself that I will do whatever it takes to maintain my independence and that no matter how hard the choice to be happy and successful may be, I will make it.

Part of that promise involves learning how to say “no.”

Earlier, I tweeted, “I've forgotten how to say no—to myself and to others. That changes starting today.” And I mean it. “No” is an extremely powerful word—and a lot of times it’s equally as difficult to say to oneself as it is to others. But it’s necessary. My second promise to myself is to say “no” as often as I can. If it’s not in my best interest—financial, social or otherwise—the answer is “no.” And those who respect that answer will stay in my life—those who don’t, won’t.

It’s as simple as that.

Independence is not easy—the fourth of July reminded me of that this year. But I’ll be damned if it’s not worth every hurdle, obstacle and roadblock. You owe it to yourself to believe the same.

Because if you don’t pay the price for your own freedom, then who will?

[Image via quick5pnt0 on Flickr]

No Matter What, Be Yourself

Who are you? No, really, who are you?

Are you shy or outgoing? Independent or needy? Neurotic or laid-back? Assertive or passive?

What it all boils down to is: how well do you really know yourself? The only way to gauge your own character is through failures and successes – experiences that shape who we are as individuals, which inevitably takes a considerable amount of time and a whole hell-of-a lot of trial and error.

It’s never easy – but it is always rewarding.

I’m far from perfect. Sometimes, I just don’t know when to stop talking or how to not wear my heart on my sleeve. I tend to push the limits – to put it all out there without always fully thinking through the consequences of my speech or actions. But that’s just me, and it’s taken me quite a long time to realize who I am as a person and how I tick. Without testing my boundaries, how would I know my comfort zones?

But through it all – ups and downs, highs and lows, bitches and hoes – one lesson reigns true: if someone isn’t willing to accept you for who you really are, they aren’t worth your time.

It’s that old Dr. Seuss saying all over again. You know the one: “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

If you know me in “real life,” you know that I’m bubbly, witty and goofy – I’m always going up to random strangers and asking them intimate questions. Sometimes there’s alcohol involved and other times just water – but nonetheless, I’ve always had an innate passion for getting to know someone on a deep level. At the same time, though, I’ve learned how to self-disclose and remain “cool” simultaneously.

The entire process is usually exciting and thrilling and fun. And then there are the times where I meet someone and they turn out to be completely different than I thought. And it sucks.

Maybe it’s me getting ahead of myself or making myself too available, but more often than not, this happens with guys from clubs. I know, I know – how cliché, right? I meet a guy, “click” with him and all signals lead to “optimistic.” And then I find out who he really is – Douche-y McDoucherson. It’s only downhill from there.

I’ve deleted so many numbers, told so many guys where they can shove it – and for what? Self-preservation. Because, at the end of the day, I know who I am; I know what I want and I know exactly how to get it. The truth is: I always have!

It’s an amazing feeling to finally be totally comfortable in my own skin – regardless of my daily mood or appearance. I have “ugly” days too – but all the while I still know that I’m attractive inside and out and that I am a good “catch.”

When the right guy comes along who can trust, support and love me for being me –not who he wants me to become, but who I truly am – my life will be complete.

Don’t get the wrong impression, though. I’ve been single for four years, but I’m in no rush to devote myself to a guy who’s not entirely worth my time and energy. My cardinal rule is to never settle and I don’t intend on going back on that now.

The only way to move is forward along my journey in life, wishing and hoping that the right guy will come along (if he exists).

But if he doesn’t, at least I’m content with myself and confident enough to know that I’ll feel more fulfilled as an accomplished single man than as a used, jaded, broken-hearted, relationship-plagued attached one.

I’m not apologetic for who I am – and you shouldn’t be, either. Because if you aren’t yourself 100% of the time, then who are you?