Tuesday, March 8, 2011

It's Not Me, It's You

I’ve always had a strong sense of self. From a very young age, I had an uncanny ability to look within myself to understand my wants and needs and how to satisfy them. Some people find this strange or intimidating—I find it comforting and convenient.

In most aspects of my life—especially in both an educational and professional sense—this has proven advantageous. When you understand exactly what you need to get the job done, you coordinate the necessary resources, and, well, you get stuff done.

“Where do I go to college?” or “How the hell do I get my résumé to stand out?” or “Is this the right career move?”

I just knew what to do and what would make me happy.

Unfortunately, when it comes to the emotional aspects of life—i.e. romantic involvement with another person—this quality becomes troublesome.

Why is this the case? Well, because most people have no damn clue what they want or how to get it. And that’s okay—I hardly expect everyone to instantly know what they want. Being self-aware is a rare quality that few possess—especially at my age.

But I keep running into the same issue: guys who just don’t have their wits about them.

I know there’s nothing wrong with me—I’m young, attractive, successful, intelligent, charming, fun and confident. So, why is it that I keep becoming involved with guys who don’t have their act together? It’s a question I’ve been pondering for several months and I’m not quite sure there’s a clear answer.

Perhaps I’m too forgiving: “Oh, he’s smart, he really should have that job even though he doesn’t.” Or maybe I’m just too kind: “Oh, I’ll help you! Let me introduce you to some people.” Or—even worse—maybe I’m just too naïve: “That’s his way of being a sweetheart.”

No matter what it is, one thing remains clear: it’s NOT me, it’s DEFINITELY you.

Everything I own was paid for by me from my own hard-earned money from gigs that I was awarded because I took risks—all because I know who I am and what I want. It’s no different with guys—I know the type of guy that I would like to end up with. Don’t mistake this for desperation—I’m in no damn rush to force something to happen. It just doesn’t work that way and I know that.

At the end of the day, I’m grateful for all of the guys who have ended up being losers. They’ve reminded me of what I’m looking for—what they’ll never be (for me at least)—a winner.

What does being a winner mean? (Damn Charlie Sheen and his #winning BS—it’s all I can do NOT to hear him saying that while I write this.) A winner is someone who’s stable, compassionate, confident (but not overly so), intelligent and just generally a beautiful person both inside AND out. I’ve seen a glimpse of this in a lot of guys. But it’s always fleeting.

When it’s more than an ephemeral, fake inner beauty, I’ll know it’s right. I’ll know I’ve found a winner—a keeper.

To all the boys out there who are insecure, selfish, self-doubting, vindictive, unfaithful, dishonest, underemployed or manipulative: GET IT TOGETHER. You’re missing out on amazing opportunities in all aspects of your life—especially in the romantic sense. Cuz I’m not dumb enough to stick around while you figure your issues out. That’s why it’s you and not me.

[Photo via Jennifer Grimyser]


  1. One thing is certain, people don't focus on the future. They are obsessed with the here and the now that they lose focus on what will be in the years to come. Most of the ones (who you are talking about) we have all experienced, and its those who we see years later living alone, with memories of the 'fun' times they had and the superficial way of life that they led. And those we need to feel sorry for. "What did that lifestyle get them?" No where. Just emptiness and a life of regret. Unfortunately, we are at the age where the guys we are attracted to are either just "coming out" or self hating, in doubt head cases. Its hard, but as we advance in age, wisdom and experience, they remain stuck and lost. So, change NOTHING about yourself. Its definitely not you, its them.

  2. Dating is tough, and you'll have to believe me when I tell you it only gets more difficult. However, don't despair.

    Having a strong sense of self puts you way ahead of your peers (regardless of your age).


  3. @Dan: seriously THANK YOU for rallying behind me on this.

    @BosGuy: thanks for the wisdom. :)