“Do you believe in Happily Ever After?” I asked Naomi. In
between laughs, she yelled an emphatic, “No!” Then she added, “Well, I mean, it’s
just not that simple.”
Naomi is the sex and relationship columnist for Men’s Health
magazine, where I work. She’s also been in a relationship with a great guy for
about six years now. So, she’s basically a dating expert—and, by this point, a
pretty pragmatic one. Still, part of me wished that she would gush about dreams
of Happily Ever After that she developed while watching Disney movies growing
up—that she would admit that, deep down, she had once hoped for her own Happily
Ever After, then found it.
Hope. That’s really what Happily Ever After is all about,
isn’t it? It’s the faith that we were meant to end up happy, united with our
one true love. It’s a glittering generality that dominates romance novels and
Hollywood films—and sometimes both (Nicholas Sparks, I’m lookin’ at you!).
But I wondered: is it realistic?
I got to thinking about the best first date I ever had.
After a few weeks of chatting online, a guy invited me over for drinks on his
roof. With amazing views of Manhattan as our backdrop, we sipped wine and
watched the sunset. It was simple. It was romantic. It was captivating. As dusk
turned into twilight, the conversation flowed with the cocktails, and before I
knew it, we fell asleep in each other’s arms while watching a movie.
That experience ran its course, but I can’t help but recall
my feelings of energetic optimism and blind infatuation when I arrived home the
next day. We’ve all been there, of course—in the throws of a consuming crush,
unable to detain our desires and let the proverbial chips fall as they may. But
it’s that type of passion that reminds me of why I hope for my own Happily Ever
After.
As a child, it’s difficult to comprehend those types of
feelings. I never understood enough about trust and commitment—or anything
about “until death do us part.” It’s too detailed for a developing mind to
fully grasp. But Happily Ever After is not; it’s basic and believable instead
of complex and confusing. Again, it’s a glittering generality—and necessarily
so.
As an adult, I now see the whole picture. I can imagine the
first kiss, the first uttering of “I love you”, the first moving truck, the
ring. It’s not a glittering generality, it’s a joyous journey marked by ups and
downs, twists and turns. We seem to outgrow the simplicity of the idea of
Happily Ever After.
Or do we?
In an extremely unscientific Twitter poll, I asked my followers if they
believed in Happily Ever After—and the reasoning for their proclamations.
Here are the three responses I received:
@crackliffe duh. That's how every Disney movie ends. Xo
— Morgan Schreiber (@Morgs120) May 9, 2012
@crackliffe as a cynical teenager full of sarcasm and derogatory remarks, a part of me hopes that something will prove my pessimism wrong
— Brian Ng (@aspiringboy) May 9, 2012
@crackliffe YES! Love is the most powerful thing on earth, all you need is to believe and you will get your happily ever after.
— KHYREN (@NERYHK) May 9, 2012
That’s right. All of them believe in Happily Ever After,
even though one of them blatantly admits to being a sarcastic cynic.
After reading their responses and pondering Happily Ever
After some more, I inevitably ended up thinking about passion versus dedication in relationships. To me, it seemed like the Disney movies were imparting the
importance of passion in romance through their elaborate and exaggerated storylines,
but were somehow de-emphasizing the significance of dedication by simply ending
the story with “And they lived Happily Ever After.” All of the grittiness of
real relationships is removed from the plot, thus leaving the audience—mostly
children, mind you—with half of the picture of what real romance requires.
In another thoroughly unscientific Twitter poll, I asked my followers
which option they thought made for a better relationship: an intense connection
from the very beginning or a passion that builds over time. Here’s what they
said:
@crackliffe An intense 1st connection that builds more and more throughout your relationship.Luckily I'm experiencing this now.:)
— Josh Garcia (@thejoshhhh) May 9, 2012
@crackliffe Passion that builds! Connections that start quickly & intensely generally end as quickly & intensely. A slow simmer is best.
— Ashley Mayo (@AshleyKMayo) May 9, 2012
@crackliffe Passion that builds, b/c it's sustainable. All long term relationships I've had started with me having NO interest in the guy
— Lala Jackson (@WhoMadeYouGreat) May 9, 2012
@crackliffe Both is best, and definitely possible and most electric.
— Jake G. (@everythingsjake) May 9, 2012
As you can see, the responses are overwhelmingly in favor of
both an intense passion and one that builds over time—or what I’ll refer to as
“the whole picture.” Disney films, on the other hand, only focus on the first
half of “the whole picture”—on the intense initial passion that the characters
experience. Aladdin’s on a mission to woo Jasmine, Ariel’s got to become human
so she can be with Eric; it makes for great cinema, but once the theater lights
come on—POOF!—there it goes. The only classic Disney film that comes remotely close
to portraying the tension and trust of a real relationship is Beauty and the
Beast. And, well, the leading male is a beast.
Regardless of the cast of the caricatures, the fact remains
that even though people admit that both initial passion and sustained
dedication are required for a real relationship, most people still pray, wish
and hope for their own Happily Ever After to come to fruition. It’s that seed
of hope that helps us get back on our feet after an unexpected rejection,
unrequited love or unsuccessful relationship. And hope is an extremely powerful
force. It can help us excel. It can even save us from death. Hope propels us
forward regardless of what is rational or what reality dictates.
And so Happily Ever After, despite its incomplete depiction of love and
long-term commitment, lives on. I guess Naomi was right. We can’t simply
disqualify Happily Ever After—it’s just not that simple.
